Growing up, I used to measure myself through other people.
If someone liked me, I felt valuable.
If someone disliked me, I felt flawed.
If I fit into the group, I felt secure.
If I didn’t, I felt lost.
I didn’t realize it then, but I was letting other people become the architects of my identity.
Youth psychology says that during adolescence, the brain is wired for belonging. Connection feels like survival. Rejection feels like death. So we change our voice, change our interests, change our behavior, all to avoid being “different.”
But every time we change for others, we lose a piece of ourselves.
And here’s the paradox:
The more you try to fit in, the more invisible you become.
I learned this the hard way.
One day, I asked myself a simple question:
What would be left of me if everyone’s opinions disappeared?
The answer scared me.
Because I wasn’t sure.
The book Why Doesn’t My Teenager Talk to Me? describes how teens often withdraw because they’re overwhelmed by judgment—both real and imagined. Their silence isn’t rebellion. It’s protection. It’s them trying to hold onto the little identity they still recognize.
So I stopped trying to be who everyone wanted.
I stopped adjusting myself like a mirror, reflecting whatever others expected.
I started asking a different question:
Who am I when I am alone with God?
In that question, I found myself again.
Peer relationships matter, but they cannot define you.
People may misunderstand you, criticize you, or drift away from you—but none of that determines your worth. Your identity isn’t a group project. It’s a personal journey.
Be kind, but don’t bend yourself out of shape.
Belong, but don’t lose yourself.
Listen, but don’t let others speak for you.
You don’t need a crowd to validate who you are.
You only need the courage to become who you were created to be.